my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
