i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
