I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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