If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
