the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
