I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
