i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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