was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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