Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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