It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
