I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
