We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.