please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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