Ambien. No doubt about it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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