bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
