So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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