I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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