apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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