So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Let's get the cat blown out
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
