Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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