Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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