First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry my hands just texted you
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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