Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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