Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
