Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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