She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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