O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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