If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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