I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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