I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
