omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found the puke drawer
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
