Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
