The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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