This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
