so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
