a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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