My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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