my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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