This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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