You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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