i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
