i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
