So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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