So drunk its hurt
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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