The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
