oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
