don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
