i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
