Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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