You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
