i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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