i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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