I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
