oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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