i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
